i don't like the quiet

its true
my whole life, i hate when its totally quiet and silent. which i guess contributes to my sleeping issues. i fell asleep all the way until steve and i started getting serious and sleeping in the same bed every night. so now i just watch tv or read until i fall asleep.
i dont' like the quiet cause then i'm left alone with my thoughts. i guess i should be able to do this, but i can't. cause i always have way to much on my mind, and then i get all worked up about something. i just don't like the quiet
and its quiet now
now that the boys are gone, its totally quiet. makes me feel sad and lonely and empty. i'm soooo happy for them and my cousin and her husband that they finally get to go home and be together again, and that this ridiculous ordeal is almost over for them. but still, i miss them alot. my cousin amanda is seriously like a sister to me. defiently the closest i've ever had to having a sister. the boys are like my little newphews or something. and i grew really close to them when they were here. it was so awesome to watch baby josh grow- amazing how fast and much they change and grow in just a few months. i learned so much about both the older boys. jordan was alwyas making me laugh, austin is ridiculously smart. and they always kept me on my toes. true, at times i was overwhelmed and exhausted. usually before anyone has kids they at least have 9 months to prepare, and then its just one kid who's a baby. not 3 kids at different ages over night. i have no idea what i would have done if my cousin amanda hadn't been aloud to visit every day all day.
but nonetheless, i had a lot of fun. and i learned a lot, about my self, about steve, about us, about life, about social services, about them. here's a few:

i'm so ready to be a mom. i've arleady known this for the past few years. you just feel it. my body let me know. i knew that finacially i wasn't ready, but physically and emotionally i totally am. and this just proved it. i could survive on less than 5 hours of sleep for days at a time. i could get up every two hours with the baby. i could handle the three boys, with whatever it was at the time. this situation made me want babies even more (which didnt' even seem possible)
-for those of you who don't know me, having babies is all i've ever wanted. i alwasy wanted to grow up and be a "mom." the only reason we're waiting now is cause of money. just want my preschool to be stable. and the only reason we're doing that is cause of steve. damn, he's too smart. who needs money? now you know

steve is going to be a great dad. another thing that i already knew, but was great to see it reinforced. he has patience, he doesn't let them push him around, but he's so great with them. he makes them laugh, he plays with them. he loved the baby. he changed the diapers. granted, he didn't get up with the baby except for twice, but that was more cause i was just up first. my maternal instinct kicking in i guess...........

we make a great team. we have the same beliefs on how to raise and discipline children. we share the tasks pretty evenly. we give each other breaks when its obvious that we need it. we communicate with each other.

we're solid. we can handle whatever is thrown our way, however stressful. and it only made us stronger

my cousin is my hero. amanda was amazing through this whole experience. i could not believe how strong she was. she never let the boys see her upset or crying, which would have totally been stressful for them. she was a trooper. it was incredibly hard for her, and she did cry and i'm glad i was there for her for that. but she knew she was a good mother (as we all did) and that she had to be there for her boys now. seriously, i don't think i would have been able to function. she was amazing.

she's a great mother. i already knew that, but i got to see it again and again every day. the fact that this was happening to her never made any sense. i already ask her questions about everything baby and parenting.

jordan is going to be a freakin comedian. or something. he's hysterical! he does these dances, including the napoleon dynamite. he immitates laughs (the funniest being sponge bob and his uncle brian). he always hams it up for the camera (i did a lo on it here)

austin is so freakin smart. i always knew he was advanced for his age. but hearing from his teacher. dude, he's in second grade and could read at a sixth grade level! and dude, his math skills were pretty amazing too.

babies grow up so fast. when josh first got here, he coudn't sit up by himself and he had 2 teeth. he left practically crawling, with six teeth, a lot more hair, and starting to immitate sounds. and like 5 pounds heavier.

i love babies. wait, i already knew that.

social services is slow. and its pretty ridiculous. maybe its more the state that is slow. i know that they were doing their job, but it really sucks for the families involved. i wish there was something that i could do about it.

be careful who you leave your kids with. not that amanda wasn't. she checked out so many different places. but if they aren't listenign to you, or your kids really aren't happy there. leave. follow your instincts!

and wow, i guess i got a lot out of this situation. the list really could go on. even though it was hard and stressful, i know that this all happened for some reason or another. and it defiently taught me alot.
for those of you who don't know the whole situation, check it out here